Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
May have had one breakfast too many
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always