Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Things will get butter, keep churning
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
This is me
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
called in thicc to work this morning
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.