Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.