Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
the composer
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to