Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front