Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”