Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
me and who
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again