I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.