My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
April 1st is the class clown of days.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
next question.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.