I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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That’s a good costume, I hope.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.