I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
![]()
Mummies are just super modest zombies
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
![]()
Great Canadian literature.
![]()
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.