I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.