the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline