As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wake me when AI does housework
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*