[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.