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Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house