What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
there’s music for literally every activity
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think