“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Goodnight 🐶
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.