I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.