So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.