Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles