COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.


Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”


Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.


BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light


Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.


I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt


Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship


* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.


Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!


My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..