Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*