My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
lol
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Festive toon…
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.