I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.