Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Potatoes were such a good idea
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest