Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”