Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you