Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever