Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.