friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects