gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
You Might Also Like
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My five year plan is a meteorite
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Thoughts
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.