I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*puts words between two asterisks*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My kitchen overserved me.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.