Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
You Might Also Like
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
that wasn’t the question
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low