My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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so i’m at the stock market right
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me if I was a dog
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?