I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.