Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas