For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
You Might Also Like
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”