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Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING