Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
How to make infinite energy.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
That’s no pocket rocket.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?