[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
What about second breakfast?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar