Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever