I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You Might Also Like
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’m sorry…what?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Happy Thanksgiving
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Seems kinda suspicious
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority