Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
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I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*