@JJSummertime

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

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@aotakeo

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@RobinSage76

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@vineyille

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

@clichedout

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@suziqkelley

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

@wolfpupy

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

@SortaBad

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther