Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no


@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.


Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.


How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?


i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won


Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.


[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther