boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”