boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.