My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs