Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda