This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?