2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.