I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie