One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
my favorite genre of twitter
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Same pineapple, same
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I hope it’s French Onion!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts