“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Spring cleaning checklist…
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God