[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
#Caturday
*offers Batman cough drops*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl